why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
