I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
