You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
