I can text with my tongue
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
