Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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