Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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