I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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