My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
