You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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