I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
