Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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