I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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