Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
