Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
