Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
