i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
