A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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