My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
