Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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