Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
