Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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