I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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