You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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