im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
