Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
