he wants to bone in the snuggie
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
