So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
