mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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