I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
