Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
