because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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