Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
