I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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