When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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