A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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