You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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