so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Are we still banned from the library?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
