this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
