I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
