just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
