I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
