You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
