soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
