help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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