I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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