I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
