Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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