Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
