May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
