why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
