i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
